Here's a new partial list of every one liner ever said:

If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them
know where you have it tied.

My horoscope said that the finger of fate will point at me.
Unfortunately, it was the middle finger of fate.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when
they're already there?

Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?

What's the difference between slime and a lawyer?
I've been looking for years, I still can't find any.

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
        -- Steven Wright

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.  The redneck gets emotionally involved.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot
be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in
there.

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

"Daddy, before you married Mom, who told you how to drive?"

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.

Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.

Some people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and call it experience.

Some people can't tell a lie, others can't tell the truth, and others
can't tell the difference.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

Why do they call it "Saturday Night Live" when over half of it
is on Sunday?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your
shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

If Y2K is going to be such a big problem, why don't we just
skip that year? Women do it all the time.

Some people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.

I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said
he was conceived under the "No Parking" sign.

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they also marry the
same way.

Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

Cartoons